Secret Verses: Am I Not Thine Ass?

You probably thought Jim Carrey invented the notion of an ass talking, but not so. It actually comes from the Bible. Here’s the passage:

20 And God came unto Balaam at night, and said unto him, If the men come to call thee, rise up, and go with them; but yet the word which I shall say unto thee, that shalt thou do. 21 And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of Moab. 22 And God's anger was kindled because he went: and the angel of the LORD stood in the way for an adversary against him. Now he was riding upon his ass, and his two servants were with him. 23 And the ass saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and the ass turned aside out of the way, and went into the field: and Balaam smote the ass, to turn her into the way.

24 But the angel of the LORD stood in a path of the vineyards, a wall being on this side, and a wall on that side. 25 And when the ass saw the angel of the LORD, she thrust herself unto the wall, and crushed Balaam's foot against the wall: and he smote her again.

26 And the angel of the LORD went further, and stood in a narrow place, where was no way to turn either to the right hand or to the left. 27 And when the ass saw the angel of the LORD, she fell down under Balaam: and Balaam's anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with a staff. 28 And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?

29 And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.

30 And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? and he said, Nay.

31 Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he bowed down his head, and fell flat on his face.

32 And the angel of the LORD said unto him, Wherefore hast thou smitten thine ass these three times? behold, I went out to withstand thee, because thy way is perverse before me: 33 And the ass saw me, and turned from me these three times: unless she had turned from me, surely now also I had slain thee, and saved her alive.

34 And Balaam said unto the angel of the LORD, I have sinned; for I knew not that thou stoodest in the way against me: now therefore, if it displease thee, I will get me back again.

35 And the angel of the LORD said unto Balaam, Go with the men: but only the word that I shall speak unto thee, that thou shalt speak. So Balaam went with the princes of Balak. (Numbers 22:20-35, KJV)

The story of Balaam’s talking ass is not unknown to believers, so it’s a bit of a stretch to call it a “secret” passage, but it is, nonetheless, unknown to most casual believers, and certainly most who didn’t grow up in a church or synagogue would be unaware of it. And even believers are unaware of its inherent nonsense. Let’s summarize it for those of you who don’t like reading King James English:

• * Elohim (translated “God”) tells Balaam to accompany the princes of Moab.
  
  
• * Balaam gets up the next morning, saddles his ass (donkey), and heads out.
  
• * Elohim gets pissed because Balaam accompanied the Moabites as instructed and sends an (invisible) angel to block his way.
  
• * The angel is invisible to all but the donkey, who turns away from him three times. Balaam, not seeing the angel, beats the donkey for turning off the road inexplicably, crushing his foot at one point, and, finally, sitting down under him.
  
• * Yahweh (translated Lord) decides to have some fun and magically gives the donkey the ability to speak. The donkey does her best Eddie Murphy impression and protests Balaam’s striking her, at one point demanding, “Am I not thine ass?”
  
• * Yahweh finally decides to let the humans in on the joke and see the angel sent to prevent Balaam from doing what Elohim told him to do (?), and Balaam is understandably freaked.
  
• * The angel tells Balaam that it was a good thing the donkey turned away from him like she did, or he’d have killed Balaam by now. Such godly love. Killed for not seeing an invisible being sent to prevent him from doing what God had told him to do. If anything, he should have been praised for his tenacity and obedience.
  
• * Balaam apologizes for not being psychic, and God lets him live.

Needless to say, this is one ridiculous story. Even as mythology, it makes no sense. The moral of the story—if there is one—is logically incoherent. Balaam did as God said, then was almost killed for not seeing a being that was purposely hidden from him, who was for some inexplicable reason sent to stop him from following God’s command. The whole story is nuts. I’m guessing it was edited together from previous mythical stories (note the different names for God), and something was lost in the process.

Even if you could derive a useful moral teaching from the passage, keep in mind that evangelical Christians hold this passage to be literally true. They think the donkey really did talk. It magically gained a complex voice box (larynx) and spoke in Hebrew. It remembered its previous service to Balaam and attempted to reason with him. This is so childishly stupid as to be beneath deconstruction. It’s not even a good children’s fable. But evangelicals will persecute you for not believing it literally, common sense and science be damned.

There is one aspect of this story, however, in which evangelicals should take heart. It’s a dead-on foreshadowing—a prophecy, if you will—of the coming of Pat Robemsome. Although Pat Robertson styles himself a Republican, he’s a talking ass if ever there was one. I’ve written before about what an evil sonofabitch Robertson is, but he’s the gift that keeps on giving. Here’s a brief rundown of some of his jackassian words of wisdom:

Regarding the September 11^th terrorist attacks:

“We have imagined ourselves invulnerable and have been consumed by the pursuit of ... health, wealth, material pleasures and sexuality... It [terrorism] is happening because God Almighty is lifting his protection from us.”

Regarding U.S. government policies that he disagrees with:

“What we need is for somebody to place a small nuke at Foggy Bottom [a metonym for the U.S. State Department]”

Regarding tolerance for other brands of Christianity:

“You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist.”

Regarding feminism:

“…a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

Regarding whether Supreme Court decisions were binding:

“Supreme Court decisions are binding in the court systems…but in terms of general law, which binds every citizen, why should you and I be bound because of the ineptitude, if you will, or the skill of one or more defense lawyers, or the plaintiffs in any particular lawsuit?”

Kind of shocking when you realize he has a law degree from Yale (but perhaps helps explain why he didn’t pass the bar exam).

Regarding the citizens of Dover, Pennsylvania voting all seven school board members out of office who supported creationism:

“I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city...And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because He might not be there...God is tolerant and loving, but we can't keep sticking our finger in His eye forever. If they have future problems in Dover, I recommend they call on Charles Darwin. Maybe he can help them.”

Regarding the separation of church and state:

“There is no such thing as separation of church and state in the Constitution. It is a lie of the Left and we are not going to take it anymore.”

Regarding states’ rights:

“There is never in the Constitution at any point, anything that applies that to the states, none at all. The Supreme Court has done it over repeated attempts by Congress which have been beaten back to do such a thing.”

Regarding Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s stroke and the Israeli withdrawal from Gaza (which Robemsome opposed):

“[This was divine retribution.] He was dividing God's land, and I would say, 'Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the [European Union], the United Nations or the United States of America…God says, 'This land belongs to me, and you'd better leave it alone.'”

Don’t you find God’s preternatural interest in a tiny little parcel of land bordering a small sea (smaller than both the South China Sea and the Caribbean Sea) on one of the billions of planets in his universe a little puzzling?

Regarding his political ambitions:

“We have enough votes to run the country. And when the people say, "We've had enough," we are going to take over.”

Regarding Hindus, Muslims, atheists, and tolerance:

“When I said during my presidential bid that I would bring only Christians and Jews into the government, I hit a firestorm. 'What do you mean?' the media challenged me. 'You're not going to bring atheists into the government? How dare you maintain that those who believe in Christian values are better qualified to govern America than Hindus and Muslims?' My simple answer is, 'Yes, they are.’”

And I won’t get into his claim of leg pressing 2,000 lbs, his prediction of a 2007 terror attack, nor his prediction of a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest. As Garry Wills said of John Wayne’s portrayal of Genghis Kahn, these howlers are best passed over in silence.

The guy is a certified nutball. More from Balaam’s ass on the Positive Atheism site here.